what makes a MEANINGFUL funeral CEREMONY?

My area of expertise is meaningful, personal funeral ceremonies - life celebrations. So let me tell you what I think are the essential elements of a good funeral ceremony, based on my experiences of creating and leading a wide range of funerals, the reactions I saw and heard from people gathered on the day, and the feedback I got from families afterwards.

Captures the essence of the person

The most important and fulfilling challenge of my work as a Celebrant is to accurately and honestly capture the life, personality and uniqueness of each person. When a family invite me into their home, during the saddest time of their life, and share with me their stories and memories of this special person they knew and loved, I have to do them justice. In fact, I make it my mission to ensure those stories and experiences, all those quirks and characteristics are captured and shared on the day in a meaningful, accurate way. And those little quirks are important because recalling them creates the moments during a ceremony when I can see people nod their head and smile, or laugh. It’s the little details about a person that bring them to life - how they liked milky tea, not answering the phone when Emmerdale is on, always buying yellow motorbikes... So when someone says to me after a ceremony “how long had you known Dave?” or “that was Alice to a T” or “Mum would have loved it” then I know I’ve got it right. 

Has the input of the deceased and their loved-ones

The most memorable and meaningful funeral ceremonies are the ones where we are honouring someone’s life in the way they wished to be remembered AND the people they have left behind are able to contribute in a way that brings them comfort. Being able to say to everyone “we’ve come together to celebrate Jill’s life, as that was her wish for today” sets a lovely tone from the very beginning of the ceremony, making everyone feel they are playing a part that day in remembering Jill in the way she wanted - the last thing they can do for her. And alongside fulfilling Jill’s wish is the opportunity for her family and friends to express their own feelings of love and gratitude for having known her and shared in her life, either through tributes shared, flowers chosen and music selected.

Reflects the feelings of those who knew and loved them

There are times during a ceremony, when the feelings of love and affection for the person who has died are so strong, so palpable, I think the roof is going to lift off or the windows explode. When happy memories are being shared and everyone is laughing out loud, or music is being listened to and tears silently run, that’s when I look at the coffin and I think to myself, I really hope this person knew just how much they meant to all these people - how much their life mattered and how special they were. And you don’t have to have a room full of people to get that same sense of appreciation. I’ve done ceremonies where there have been two or three people present, sometimes care home staff who looked after someone who had no family or had outlived them. And their memories of looking after this person and how they made them laugh, or their admiration as they remember the dignity they showed throughout their illness, can be just as moving. So it’s the sharing of those memories - as well as expressing feelings - that are essential in order to reflect the impact someone has had in the lives of others.

Focuses on the beliefs and wishes of the deceased and their family 

Funerals cannot always be neatly divided into religious or non-religious. Yes, if you have lived your life with a strong faith, then a fully religious funeral ceremony is fitting for you. Alternatively, if you had no faith at all, then a non-religious ceremony is more appropriate. But there are lots of people who fall somewhere in the middle - they weren’t church-goers but would appreciate a prayer, they loved singing along to Songs of Praise and carols at Christmas, or had a hymn at their wedding which holds special meaning and memories. Some people refer to themselves as spiritual rather than religious, so a reading or quote that fits those spiritual beliefs is fitting on the day. The first question I ask when discussing what type of funeral is fitting for someone is not - were they religious or not? I start by asking… who were they? What sort of person, how did they live their life, what was important to them? And from those questions, we can piece together a picture of a unique person, and what their individual beliefs and wishes were, then build a unique ceremony around them. 

Is in the right venue

Depending on the style of ceremony you want, and whether you are being buried or cremated, venues currently include churches, crematorium chapels, burial ground chapels or graveside services. I’ve also led ceremonies in village halls, hotel and pub function rooms, community centres and private gardens. For some people, the venue for the ceremony itself is hugely significant and that takes priority, while for others it’s more about practicality for the ceremony and the refreshments afterwards are in a more personal place. Sometimes the content of the ceremony is restricted if, for example, there are no audiovisual facilities at a village hall, or the crematorium has a short time slot, but my job is to ensure that, wherever the ceremony takes place, it’s as special as it can be.

Brings people together

Sounds pretty obvious but that sense of togetherness - being part of that uniquely special circle of family, friends, colleagues, classmates who all have one person is common - is a beautiful thing. At some point during the journey of that person’s life, their path crossed with others, relationships were formed, friendships shared and memories made. So being together to share in honouring this person’s life, and the part you played in it, is an essential aspect of what makes a meaningful ceremony. And, of course, being there to support and comfort each other.

Is as original and unique as the person themselves

I pride myself on the fact that I have never done the same ceremony twice. Sometimes there are themes, phrases, or quotes, that are ideally suited for particular circumstances, for example remembering a young person who has died suddenly. And there can be a particular order in which I do things - and this is based on me coming up with an ‘order of service’ that I think will provide the most meaning and comfort to people on the day. But even with similar circumstances and running orders, every ceremony I create begins with a blank sheet and that’s how it should be.

Includes personal touches

There are so many ways to include personal touches to a funeral ceremony. I mentioned some of them in the previous chapter - the knitted flowers, greyhound guard of honour and decorated coffin. You can design your own order of service sheets or ask everyone to wear your favourite colour. I was even asked to start a ceremony a few minutes late because this particular lady never arrived anywhere on time. When I explained why the ceremony was late, it brought recognition and laughter. A lovely way to begin proceedings.

Makes the most of audio-visual opportunities

The world of funerals is a slow one, in terms of technological advances. But this is largely due to many of the venues being quite old and, possibly, an outdated concern that being too modern or making too many changes too quickly will upset traditionalists and perhaps seem disrespectful. But as far as I’m concerned, there are ways of making ceremonies both respectful and be a true representation of people’s lives and personal wishes. We must move with the times and reflect the needs of modern families and individuals. Happily these days most crematoriums have the facility to download music, show photographic montages or videos on a large TV screen, provide live webcasts and record ceremonies for people who cannot attend. Done well, and at the right point in the ceremony, these audio-visual additions can be both uplifting and moving in equal measure, a multi-sensory experience taking ceremonies to a new, much more meaningful level.

Tells you something about the person you didn’t already know

We all mean different things to different people. And all those unique relationships and strands of a person’s life should be reflected in some way on the day. The beauty of that is two-fold. Firstly, everyone will feel included in some way as their special connection to this person is acknowledged. Secondly, people will find out something about their loved one or friend they didn’t know. Those lovely stories and memories are also shared in the cards of condolence or Facebook messages left in the days before and after the ceremony. I often ask families during a visit to their home if they would mind sharing some of the messages in their sympathy cards which are displayed around the room. They are always happy to do so, grateful for the opportunity to share what their loved-one meant to others. And it gives me a chance to see that person from a perspective outside their family. I remember a lovely lady who was crying with laughter at some of the messages sent by her husband’s work colleagues, telling tales of his pranks and the laughs they had in the factory where he worked. We shared some of them on the day. Wonderful stuff... 

Acknowledges grief and the sense of loss

Capturing the essence of a person, and reflecting what they meant to others, is one challenge. I also have to strike a very delicate balance between expressing everyone’s sense of loss with a sense of gratitude for the fact that they were fortunate to have had this person in their life, for however long. That is something they must take comfort in and give thanks for. Because grief goes hand in hand with love - you can’t have one without the other. So it’s important to include all those feelings in a way that is manageable for people. So they know we appreciate the pain that comes from having to say goodbye to someone you love, but also provide comfort with reminders of shared love, happy days, and memories that will outlive their goodbyes. 

Includes smiles and laughter

No matter how tragic the circumstances, there should be moments in every ceremony where people are able to smile and laugh. That’s in no way disrespectful because we are remembering someone’s life – a life which experienced its share of happiness and humour, its own little quirks or funny sayings. Even lives that were over before they had a chance to begin. I’ve done ceremonies for babies, including stillborn babies. And alongside the parent’s pain of those dashed hopes were opportunities to express gratitude for the moments when their little one still made their presence felt. Such as the mummy smiling at the memory of carrying her little ‘Tigger’ who wouldn’t keep still, and who seemed to be waving in all her scan photographs. There was a ripple of gentle laughter on the day when I shared those memories. Heart-breaking and heart-warming in equal measure. That mummy stayed in touch with me, and sent me a picture of her new baby when she arrived 18 months later.

Has a sense of ‘gravitas’ 

I’ve talked about the need for ceremonies to include a meaningful mix of expressing loss and celebrating life. We also need to keep a sense of occasion - to have moments which bring gravitas, a dignified air to proceedings. These include asking people to stand when the coffin enters the chapel and again during the committal. For me to bow at the coffin when it arrives at the venue and again before I leave the room. It keeps things respectful - a reminder that this person who walked the earth is now leaving it. Respect and attention is required. And everyone deserves a dignified farewell.

Has someone to lead proceedings

You’re probably thinking “well she would say that, wouldn’t she!” but this isn’t me making myself indispensable. Whatever type of ceremony you have, and wherever you have it, you need someone on the day who is going to co-ordinate the ceremony, set the right tone, welcome everyone, cue the music, deliver the right words at the right time, express what others find hard to say, introduce any other speakers and bring everything together. Preferably someone who is not emotionally attached to the deceased, can speak well and strike that balance between mourning a loss and celebrating a life. Someone who can deal with the unexpected, and keep to time. And, of course, someone the family have already met and are comfortable with. 

Is memorable… 

A good funeral ceremony will stay in people’s minds for a very long time. Unfortunately, the same can be said for a bad ceremony. The unexpected can happen - from small technical hitches where I’ve cued the music only to be met with silence, to the more dramatic as one poor man had a heart attack in front of me as he was reading a tribute to his sister (he was taken to hospital and recovered, thankfully). Some things are avoidable, others aren’t. But the more you put into the planning and organisation of a ceremony, the more chances you have of it running smoothly and being memorable... for all the right reasons.

Is rounded off with food and drink

Whether it’s tea and cake, or beer and a buffet, gathering together for refreshments after the ceremony is the ideal opportunity for people to continue sharing their memories in a more relaxed environment, and to catch up with family and friends they perhaps haven’t seen for years, or even met before. It’s a chance for everyone to keep that celebration of life going beyond the confines of a church or chapel, in a space often chosen for personal reasons – the family home, a favourite watering hole, a team sports club. Sometimes the refreshments are seen as more important than the ceremony - on more than one occasion I’ve been told the deceased specifically asked that the funeral be kept as short as possible so everyone can get to the pub afterwards! And there is nothing more heart-warming than seeing groups of people gathered together, starting sentences with “Do you remember the time…” and heads thrown back in laughter. 

Makes you appreciate life

A good funeral ceremony not only makes you appreciate the life of someone you have known and loved, but it makes you appreciate your own life too. And the lives of the people close to you. I don’t know about you, but every time I come out of a funeral I take a deep breath, look at the trees and the sky, absorb all the wonderful signs of life and think ‘I’m so glad I’m still here’. My role as a Celebrant isn’t to preach to people, but I do make an effort, in every ceremony, to sensitively communicate the fact that life is precious, people are precious, and none of us know how long we have to embrace both. So when we come together to celebrate a life, we are giving thanks for our lives, as well as the lives of others.