PART ONE- THe F-Word
Why should I think about my funeral Ceremony?
If you are in any doubt about why on earth you’d want to think about your own funeral, here are three good reasons…
1. One day you won’t be here any more and those closest to you will be trying to come to terms with that heart-breaking event, while at the same time being asked to make all sorts of decisions and answer questions like ‘did your mum want to be buried or cremated?’ If you can at least give your loved ones some clues before you go, it will make a huge difference to how they cope with everything.
2. Your family will, of course, want to make their own contributions to proceedings – this is the last thing they can do for you, so, it’s incredibly important that they are given the opportunity to express how they feel about you and your life. BUT, when all is said and done, it was indeed your life. And no-one knows your life better than you. So as others give their own perspective on who you were, what you’ve done, and what it meant to them, how about sharing what it meant to you and making a few contributions of your own?
3. Thinking about your own funeral ceremony can have a positive effect on how you view your life. Yes really! The idea of it may seem depressing at first, but acknowledging your mortality can give a meaningful perspective on your life and what you choose to do with the time you have. Life is precious and finite, it helps to be reminded of that.
THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR
“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
A huge benefit of thinking about and planning funeral ceremonies in advance is that you are not only prepared and well-informed, but your loved-ones will also be armed with the information they will need when the time comes. And they will be extremely grateful for that. Because there is a ‘system’ in place that most of us experience and become part of when a loved-one dies, from registering the death to making arrangements with a firm of funeral directors. It’s really important that we feel in control of this process that can seem as overwhelming as it is unfamiliar – grief knocks us sideways, so having to think, plan, and make decisions at such a time will take gargantuan effort. And all that thinking, planning and decision-making won’t come at a pace that is gentle. There is approximately two to three weeks, on average, from death to funeral. And if your family has absolutely no idea what your wishes were, then they will also feel the weight of wondering if the choices they make for you are the right ones.
I trained as a Funeral Arranger and worked for a local funeral director before becoming a Celebrant. So I know exactly what it’s like to sit with a newly-bereaved family who don’t even know if their mum, dad, husband, daughter wanted to be buried or cremated, and how distressing that is for them. It’s the most basic of questions and most people, when asked, usually feel quite strongly one way or the other. But if the ‘burial or cremation’ question was never asked during this person’s lifetime, or the wish never expressed, how will they know? And alongside that decision, they will be asked about where they want the funeral to be, who will lead it, do they need cars, what coffin would they like, and how about flowers, orders of service, donations, refreshments afterwards…
So many things to think about – and that’s just the start. After that initial meeting with a funeral arranger, they will then have a meeting with the person who is leading the ceremony. Someone like me. And I would be asking them all about you - where you were born, how you got on at school, your working life, interests, what you were passionate about, proudest moments, who were the special people in your life, how can we describe your character and personality, what music you liked, did you have any favourite poems or books, how would you like to be remembered…
Do you really want to leave all that to your loved-ones without any input, information or help from you in advance? And do you want to be in the same position when you have to plan a funeral for a member of your own family? I did my best not to make people feel like they were being bombarded with questions or pressured to make decisions - in fact, the experience of talking about someone you have loved and lost can be extremely comforting and very often there was as much laughter as tears when we get together. BUT it is still a huge amount of information to share and process, and all at time when even switching the kettle on is an effort. The more you, and your family, know in advance, the easier this highly emotional experience will be.
What’s a funeral ceremony for?
“Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well.”
A funeral ceremony provides an opportunity to give thanks for a person’s life – to express our feelings of love and affection for them, to celebrate and pay tribute to all they achieved, enjoyed and experienced while they were here, to share memories, to comfort each other, and, of course, to say farewell. And if you are able to play a part in the creation and content of your own funeral ceremony, then it will be even more personal and meaningful for everyone involved.
The beauty of funerals these days is the amount of choice we have compared to years gone by. You can decide, among other things, the type of ceremony you’d like, where it’s held, who conducts it, how you arrive, what music is played, what is said… you can even decide not to have one at all. When it comes to official, legal requirements, your death has to be registered and your body has to be disposed of, but aside from that, you are not required to have a funeral at all if you don’t want one. David Bowie didn’t want a funeral. His wishes were for a private cremation shortly after his death and his ashes scattered in Bali in line with Buddhist rituals - no fuss, no funeral. And that’s exactly what happened, his wishes were fulfilled. But it didn’t stop his family from mourning his loss or remembering him in their own private way. And it certainly didn’t stop his musical contemporaries and worldwide fans from paying their own tributes. I’m a fan too and had my own moments of listening to his music, and talking about him with friends, in the days after his death. And that’s the beauty of Bowie’s legacy – we can still hear him and watch him, even though he’s no longer a physical part of the world.
Whether your legacy is great or small, whether you have done something extraordinary or you have led a simple, quiet life and just want a simple, quiet exit to go with it, as long as your wishes are expressed and then carried out, that’s all that matters. So make sure you let your family know. They may not feel comfortable, initially, of letting you go without a ceremony – it may feel too impersonal, too clinical, and what about their opportunity to gather together and see you on your way with love? Well, they can still gather together at another time or place, still share memories, still express what you’ve meant to them and raise a glass to you. In fact, that’s what most of us continue to do in the days, months and years after someone we love has died. We are continually remembering. You don’t have to be a Rock Star to live on in the hearts and minds of others.
That personal touch
“You captured the spirit of our lovely Mum as though you actually knew her.”
As a Funeral Celebrant, I spent years creating hundreds of unique funeral ceremonies for people of all ages, backgrounds and beliefs. Most of those people were unknown to me, while others had been family friends or former colleagues, as well as those I’d met in the final stages of terminal illness. It’s a big, beautiful list of over 1,500 individuals I’ve had the pleasure of talking about – celebrating their lives and helping loved-ones say goodbye. It’s a huge privilege I didn’t take lightly.
And out of all those ceremonies, the ones that I remember most have been the ones with the personal touches that, on the day, had so much meaning. The rescue dog volunteer with a guard of honour made up of greyhounds, who gently and quietly stood to attention as her coffin arrived. The knitting Nanna whose floral tribute consisted of woollen flowers hand-made by her daughters and granddaughters. The teenager whose coffin was decorated with photographs, multi-coloured messages and the glitter handprints of her friends. I’ve handed out lily bulbs on behalf of a keen gardener, golf balls for a sportsman, watched friends waltz around the crematorium chapel as they remembered their dancing school teacher. Then there are the special locations – trees planted in gardens, glasses raised in favourite pubs, tributes paid, and tea and cake shared, in village halls. And all the photographic slideshows I’ve watched, recorded messages listened to and last letters read.
Some of those wishes were carried out at the deceased’s request, others were gestures from family and friends – their last opportunity to do something for this special person they knew and loved. And that’s the combination which seemed to work best and proved to be so memorable – when we were remembering a life in the way that person wished, AND the people they have left behind were able to contribute and show their love in a way that brought them comfort.
And as a Celebrant I was there to bring everything together, to capture the essence of this special person and help their loved-ones express what they can’t always put into words. To leave them knowing their mum, dad, daughter, brother, friend had ‘a good send-off’ – their journey of life rounded off with a fitting farewell they themselves would have approved of, and everyone there enjoyed. Yes, you can ‘enjoy’ a funeral. People often leaned in secretively after a ceremony and said to me after a ceremony “I know I shouldn’t say this but I really enjoyed that”. And why shouldn’t they? If I’d done my job properly on the day then we will have remembered someone with the same love and happiness they themselves knew in life. There were sadder moments, of course, as we acknowledge dtheir loss in a dignified and respectful way, but with that loss comes an appreciation of all that was gained when they were part of our world, however long or short that stay was.
What Makes a Meaningful Ceremony?
My area of expertise is meaningful, personal funeral ceremonies. Celebrations of life. So before I take away that fear of the unknown and show you how to create one that is right for you, let me introduce you to what I think are the essential elements of a good funeral ceremony. These elements are based on my experiences of creating and leading a wide range of funeral ceremonies, the reactions I saw and heard from people gathered on the day, and the feedback I got from families afterwards. It’s quite a long list… But don’t be overwhelmed! The whole point of this course is to gently guide you through this process, bringing together your own thoughts and wishes which will combine to create a ceremony with all these essential elements. And while the focus is on helping you put together your own celebration of life, you can, of course, use the information to create a ceremony for loved-ones and friends.
How do you want to capture all this important information?
Among the desired outcomes of doing this Remember Me course is for you to set down all your thoughts, ideas and wishes regarding your funeral ceremony, and to be able to pass on that precious information to those who will need it. You may wish to make your ideas known to your loved ones as you go along, when you’ve finished compiling them, or simply to place your wishes somewhere they can be found when the time comes.
So before we move on to Part Two and begin making choices, here’s some suggestions for how you might like to capture your farewell wishes.
Remember Me Workbook
I’ve designed a very simple workbook for you to print out if you wish to use it. It provides the space for you to write down your thoughts and wishes, once you’ve considered the information provided in each section. You can then share the workbook with loved ones or keep it safe.
You may, however prefer to capture your thoughts and ideas in your own way…
Digitally
Type up your wishes – so you can easily add to or amend things when you want to. You can also get as creative as you like, designing your ideas, adding images, links etc. And when you’re done you can save the document to your desk-top or tuck it in a folder somewhere. Just make sure your loved ones know it exists and it can be found when needed.
Hand-written
Every now and again, families showed me hand-written lists of music, poems, even final letters, from their loved ones. And just seeing the unique, personal handwriting of someone whose life I’d be giving thanks for, gave me a meaningful connection to them – even more so than seeing their photograph. Some of these precious bits of paper I was given were used envelopes, shopping lists, even betting slips! But you might want to get yourself a nice notebook instead.
Once again, make sure your family/friends know it exists and where you keep it. And if you are known for having, let’s say, an ‘interesting’ handwriting style, remember it needs to be legible for others!
“The beauty and nobility, the august mission and destiny, of human handwriting.”
Get Creative
If you have artistic talents you may prefer to collate your farewell wishes in a more visual and creative way, such as drawings, illustrations, photographs, scrap books… They will make a lovely memento for those closest to you. Just remember, the same ‘rules’ apply – are your wishes clear and do your loved one’s know they exist and where to find them?
Audio and Video
You might want to mix it up and combine typed or written notes with a recording. Certainly hearing the voice of someone dearly departed, or seeing their face in front of you once again, is a gift technology has made possible for everyone. But remember too that if this is a ‘surprise’ you are leaving for people after you’ve gone, it is going to be hugely emotional, both for you to record and, especially, for them to experience. So that does add a whole new layer of meaning to what you choose to say.
