how to talk to someone who is bereaved

Knowing the right thing to say to someone who has lost a loved-one, and understanding what they need, can be difficult. So here are a few tips to help grieving people feel comfortable and supported.

Don’t avoid grieving people for fear of upsetting them – don’t look away or cross the road if you see them coming. Just sharing a simple, heart-felt ‘I’m so sorry’ will make a difference.

The bereaved want to talk about their loved-one. Sometimes over and over. So don’t avoid mentioning them. Let them talk, and share your own memories of what you remember about this special person in their lives. Let them know what their husband, daughter, father, friend… meant to you. 

When the talking stops, or they are having a day where silence is the only sound they can cope with, just sit with them. Perhaps hold their hand if it feels the right thing to do. Just be with them in their grief.

Get comfortable with their crying, and the fact that tears can spring up at unexpected moments. Grief ambushes people when they least expect it, so sudden waves of sorrow and tears will be a regular feature for as long as it needs to be. One day they might be ready for a night out, the next they won’t be able to get out of bed. It’s a rollercoaster, so roll with it.

Be patient if they get agitated. There can be a lot of anger and unresolved questions when someone dies. And all that grieving is exhausting, and people snap. Again, just be there and don’t judge. 

Just because someone looks good doesn’t mean they feel good. We’ve all had days where someone says ‘how are you?’ and we say ‘good thanks’ when actually we’re screaming inside. And it’s perhaps best not to ask a grieving person ‘how are you?’ because that’s such a big, overwhelming question. You are more likely to get an honest answer if you ask them how they are feeling today. They will be living day-by-day – sometimes minute-by-minute – so be equally bite-size in your approach. 

Don’t put time limits on the grieving or expect them to behave in a certain way or be ‘feeling better’ at a certain point. Grief is a totally unique experience for everyone and each individual will deal with it in their own unique way, in their own time. Don’t think it will be over in six months and then life will return to ‘normal’. It might take six months for someone to accept their loss and only then start grieving.  And, depending on how deep the loss, things don’t return to ‘normal’ and people don’t ‘get over it’. People have to find a way of living with their grief. 

When you are grieving you don’t have the strength to tell everyone how you are or what you need. So if you have a friend or family member who is in that position, tell your other friends or family how they are and what they need. That will be an immense help to someone who barely has the willpower to switch the kettle on.