The thought of writing a tribute to a loved one, can be utterly daunting. How on earth do you reflect all the events, achievements, experiences, emotions, characteristics and qualities of a person and their life in just a few minutes? How can you reflect everything they meant to you and just how much they will be missed?

Well, you can’t really. Even if you had a funeral or memorial ceremony that lasted all day, it wouldn’t be possible to include absolutely everything that you know or feel about them. If you accept that, it takes some of the pressure off and you can focus on what really matters – producing a heart-felt tribute that captures the essence of a person, the life you shared together, and how you will remember them.

Families often ask me to write and read the tribute, some will write their own and ask me to read it on their behalf, while others both write and read their own. The best of these will leave a deep impression on family and friends – both on the day itself, and in years to come. Here’s what they all appear to have in common…

Simple language

Emotions are running high so you need words that are not difficult to deliver and are easily understood.

“Terry enjoyed the simple pleasures in life – a pork pie and a pint, a smoke and a chat, and watching darts on the telly…”

Written from the heart

The best tributes are honest and heart-felt ­­– simple language can still be meaningful.

“Grannie taught us how to tie our shoes laces and dunk biscuits. She loved her family and we loved her.’

Who they were, what they did…

Draw an outline of a person’s early life, schooling, relationships, work, interests and personality, but include stories, memories and anecdotes from family, friends, and colleagues. And, of course, quotes from your loved-one themselves. Try to set the cultural scene and their place within it.

“In the late 60’s Sheila headed off to Liverpool University, where teenagers twisted and shouted their nights away in The Cavern to the Beatles. This was lost on Sheila, who wasn’t a fan – her only encounter with Penny Lane was when she reversed into its hedge while taking her driving test.”

…and what they meant to you

How they contributed to your lives, what you miss about them and how they will be remembered.

“It’s the memories of Dad – of being with him, of the things he taught us about ourselves and about life. Of loving him, of him loving and caring for us. It’s all these things and more that changed us for the better and will live with us forever.”

The good, the bad (and sometimes the ugly)

While tributes are NOT an opportunity for settling old scores, speaking ill of the dead and generally being disrespectful, it is always good to acknowledge that none of us are perfect and we all have a mix of characteristics and temperament. There’s nothing wrong with saying someone’s nickname was ‘Victor Meldrew’, or they were too impatient to even wait for a bus, as long as it’s done sensitively and, where possible, with the agreement of the family.

“Arthur could be a cantankerous old devil – not one to hold back if there was an opinion to give, or a point to be made. But his common failings made him real. And alongside all of this was a heart of gold.”

Acknowledge loss but celebrate life

Someone you knew and loved has died. But they lived too. And whoever they were, and whatever they did, it was a unique life, a life that mattered, and one that made its own mark upon the world.

 “Doris came from a generation who knew what it meant to have a fighting spirit – to have courage, backbone, and true strength of character. And she also knew that to get through life, you have to approach it with humour, joie de vivre, and a sense of fun. Doris had all these wonderful qualities, and the world is a better place because she shared it with us.”

HOW TO READ A TRIBUTE…

You’ve poured out your heart and burnt the midnight oil, crafting an emotional, meaningful tribute to your loved one. And now you’re trying to control your nerves and emotions, summoning the courage to read it aloud at their funeral.

But many a heart-felt tribute has gone un-heard. Not just because people feel too upset to come forward, but because those who do have not been able to make themselves understood, as they read too quickly or too quietly. And that is such a shame.

In my role as a celebrant, I encourage families and friends to write their own tributes to their loved-ones and, if they feel strong enough, to read them during the ceremony. After all, they are the ones who knew them best. But, alongside the encouragement to come forward, I always give the following advice…

Print your tribute in an easy-to-read font and large type

I know you’re perfectly capable of reading your own handwriting, but it really does help if you can type up your tribute, using a nice, clear font, a large type size and double-line spacing. This enables you to glance down and see your words without holding them up to your face.

Practice and time yourself beforehand

Saying your tribute aloud is very different to reading it on screen or on paper. So make sure you have a practice beforehand. Then you can ensure you’re happy with the flow of things and not stumbling over any words. And time yourself, ideally with some sort of stopwatch or counter, so you know exactly how long it takes to read. Depending on the type of ceremony, and where it is being held, you may have been given a maximum time in which to deliver your tribute – you don’t want to run over on the day. Don’t assume it will just take a couple of minutes – time yourself properly and make sure you’re speaking slowly.

Read your tribute in the first half of the funeral service

You don’t want to be distracted with nerves while you wait to come forward, or too upset once the committal has taken place. And, if you are in a crematorium chapel or burial ground, it’s also nicer to talk about your loved one while they are still ‘visible’, before curtains close or coffins are lowered.

Make use of any lecterns or microphones

Stepping up to a lectern can be daunting, but it is more reassuring than standing to one side with sheets of paper shaking between your nervous hands. With a lectern, you can place your notes down and have something to grip on to, should you need it. With your tribute safely printed in large type, you can glance up at people in between sentences without losing your place, and the fitted microphone will carry your voice clearly as you lift your head to speak. If you are a quite short, or children wish to speak, there is often a little step or ‘box’ that can be pulled out for you to stand on too.

Speak as slowly and as clearly as you can

The nerves are racing, emotions are running high and there is an urge to come forward, rush through your tribute, and sit back down again as quickly as possible before the tears start. The last thing you feel like doing is reading slowly. BUT you have to. Just think of all the love and emotion you’ve put into that tribute, how important the words are to you, how much you want to share those feelings with everyone in the room. But they will only be heard and understood if you take it slow and speak up. Make sure you pause between paragraphs and, if there are any up-lifting or amusing stories (which every good tribute should include), leave room for laughter – welcome it, join in if you can, before carrying on.

Have a plan B

Even the most confident of public speakers can feel overwhelmed when they arrive at the funeral. I always have a back-up plan for family or friends who want to read tributes. I tell them this…

• Make sure you give me a copy of your tribute a few days before the ceremony. Then I can familiarise myself with it and read it on your behalf if you’d like me to. Alternatively, give it to a good friend or other family member who you know will be able to step in for you if they need to.

• Just before I introduce you, I will look at you and you can either give me a nod, meaning ‘yes I can read’ or shake your head, meaning ‘no I can’t read’. Then I can introduce you or announce that I’m reading a tribute on your behalf. This means there is no pressure on you whatsoever, no-one else knows you have changed your mind, and the ceremony continues smoothly.

• If you do come forward and start to get upset, don’t worry. It’s OK. Take the time you need to compose yourself. I won’t jump in unless you turn and ask me to carry on for you.

Whoever is leading the funeral ceremony for you, have this discussion with them beforehand. It will be a weight off your mind.

Remember you are surrounded by family and friends

Reading a tribute to a loved one at their funeral, may be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. But, after the event, in the days and years that follow, you will be so proud of yourself, and grateful for the opportunity to have spoken. So, as you prepare to step up and face everyone, remember that they are all there to express their love and respect for the person you are about to pay tribute to. And they are there to show support for you in your hour of need. If you remember just one of these tips, remember that…