The more we distance, the closer we get

It’s been an emotional week this week, as new guidelines around the coronavirus have led to crematoriums enforcing a 10-person attendance rule for all ceremonies. So now families have to choose who they can and can’t invite to say farewell to their Mum, Husband, Daughter, Granddad...

It’s an essential move to reduce the spread of the virus and one I welcome. Up until the 19th March I was still visiting families at their home and, that same day, I led a ceremony for a young man with 250-plus people in attendance. It really wasn’t safe to continue.

With these new rules comes the sight of family members sat two meters apart from each other. All keeping their distance and not being able to comfort each other. I can’t get close enough to offer private words of comfort, shake their hands or give a much-needed hug.

But, with this enforced distancing, rather than making me feel further apart from the bereaved, it’s bringing us even closer together. We’re sharing in a farewell carried out under the most extraordinary circumstances. And rather than my words collectively addressing a large group of family and friends, I’m speaking directly to a handful of individuals – those who were closest to the deceased – and so my words feel all the more personal.

But that means the ‘safety barrier’ I usually use to stop myself from getting caught up in other people’s grief is no longer working in the same way. And, I’ll admit, I’ve shed a few tears this week on the drive home from the crematorium. It’s impossible not to feel moved, and all the hand sanitiser in the world doesn’t protect me from the weight of emotion I’m coming away with – the weight of responsibility as I try to comfort people who are experiencing loss on so many levels right now.

And what next? If the virus ramps up, as we expect it to, there will be no ceremonies at all. It will be straight to cremation or burial, as they are forced to do in Italy and some other parts of the world. In terms of dealing with infection and preventing even more deaths, it’s the right decision. For grieving families, not being able to say goodbye in person will be another loss they may never come to terms with.